This is a path I am hoping we can walk together, at the pace that you set. Please read it slowly. When you are ready, I would love for us to look through it together. Change anything, and cross out anything that feels wrong, and add anything that feels like it is missing. This only becomes real for us if it has been made by both of us.
You set the pace. Your safety is the gate. We do not rush a single step, and nothing here moves faster than you feel safe to move.
We are not going back to what we had before. You are right to grieve it. We both are. I have felt heartbroken and lost every single day that we have been apart. What we can build from here is something new between us, something truly special. The beautiful love of what we had before, without what took away from it. And we can build this using tools that have been tested. It is supposed to move in three stages, and each one rests on the one before.
This is an area that we have spent a lot of time on, and I understand the importance of getting this right. I want what we have from here out to be completely based on truth and transparency. I never again want to have or keep anything from you. You have been the most beautiful thing to me, Anna, and our relationship has meant so much to me. The love that we have shared has been such a tremendous part of my heart, and I want what we have moving forward to reflect and honor those feelings. I do not ever again want to be a source of anything that could possibly take away from that.
I want you to know that I take full ownership of what I did. You can continue to ask me anything, anytime, as many times as you need, and I will answer honestly and without getting defensive. I will stay transparent. I do not rush you past any pain you have felt. In fact, it is important to me that we talk about it when you are ready. This stage never closes. As you said, if you want to bring something up ten years from now, I want you to know that I understand my position is to be there for you, to listen, to understand, to acknowledge and to accept what I have done that caused you to feel such hurtfulness in the past. All of this only softens as trust grows back, and when you feel ready.
Rebuilding our friendship underneath us. Learning to talk and to disagree without hurtful words. Turning towards each other in the small moments. It is those small moments that have meant so much to me. And I believe it is in the small moments where we will find each other again, and our love can again feel safe, where our friendship will be felt by both of us. It is the small things that we shared for so many years together that mean more to me than anything. We only step here when the ground beneath us feels solid to you.
Full emotional and physical closeness again, rebuilt on safe ground, only when you feel safe enough to want it, and only at your pace. This is our destination, not our starting point.
These are some of the tools from the Gottman method. Some things are recommended to start early, and some things can be factored in as it feels right and the best time to do that. A few things to begin with. Each one is an offer. If something does not feel right to you, we drop it and we can move on to the next one.
Fifteen minutes, the same time each day. We talk about our day and the other one listens. No fixing, nothing about us, nothing about the past, just about the day. This helps to rebuild our friendship layer first.
If anything ever feels like too much to you, Anna, you say the word and everything stops. I ask what you need and I give it. We put it down and we come back to it later when you are ready.
This is an area that I know means a lot to me. I can see where I could have done so much better in the past. If I could go back in time to do this differently, I would. I want my actions and my words to reflect the love I feel for you, Anna. And it is important to me that you know that you can always expect transparency and honesty with me. Something like this will take time to build. I am so ready to start. I have spent a lot of time looking back and seeing where I could have done things so much better and differently. I could have given you so much more than I did. I could have made you feel even more special than you ever did before, and to do that consistently, where you never come to even think that it could exist otherwise with me. All of this would take time to build and for you to feel. I want you to know that there will never be any surprises to find between us. That you know our relationship is where I will share my feelings with you and my thoughts with you, so that you have the chance to understand everything. And that I can listen to you and work through anything with you, together. The small things and the big things. I do not wish to ever keep anything from you ever again.
I have always cherished every moment I could ever get with you. But I want you to know, when you turn towards me, asking me anything, telling me anything, reaching for me, wanting to share a small moment with me, that I will be there to listen and to give all of myself in those moments. Those small moments matter more than the bigger ones. It is those moments where our closeness will quietly grow back together.
I hope to never be a source of anything hurtful to you ever again. When you think of me, I want you to feel safe, protected, that I am your knight. I had this with you, but I failed to be consistent, and I failed to do what I needed to do to make sure that I was the man I should have always been for you. I hope to never hurt you again, but we are all human. Even with the smallest thing that may feel hurtful to you, or bother you, or even annoy you, I want you to know that I am one conversation away from listening and understanding and accepting. I will own it fast, no excuses, no buts. And over time, I am hopeful that you will learn that your hurt gets heard right away, never stored up, and never argued.
One set time each week for the bigger things. We each bring what is in our hearts, and we close it with something we are grateful for. We add this once the daily rhythm feels right.
I will do the work to make all of this possible. I will be present in the way that I know I can be now, for you and for our relationship. It is my job to atone and to be present in a way that you see and feel nothing but the love we have shared together, and that it is safe and protected, where the vulnerability we shared in the past is safe to be shared again. I know that we have a chance for something better. I see where I failed us in the past, and I am hopeful for any chance to be the man that I know I am now and can be, so that the love we shared, that felt sacred to both of us, has a chance to live and to truly be safe and protected by both of us.
This page is a draft for us. Please read it and let me know anything that does not feel right to you, or anything you feel we could improve upon. This is something that can be made true by both of us.